It's amazing what a conversation, especially a conversation with one of your own, and one that starts out horrifying you, can reveal about yourself. We are sometimes in such denial, clinging to pseudo truths for lack of an escape route, that we actually lie to ourselves. Me being the kind of person that believes I am here on a journey to aspire to become a better person feel tarnished when I am not true to myself.
Since this is a public blog and partially a personal journal, this might seem written in code and it must remain so; no, I will not reveal what has been bothering me about myself (that is between me, God and my inner conscience) although many of you know from years of hints that I have been living a double standard. I find this a safe place, a sort of room of my own where I can humanly spill the beans as I ponder over my next step.
So my conversation with Tatiana, my twenty-one year old daughter whose soul has taken quantum leaps in the last year through experiences of her own, was a treasure waiting.
It is time, I must seize the moment and confront the truth. She mentioned I had always been a hustler in the past and that I had slowly become complacent, leaning too much on those around me to maintain a status quo when there were so many more mountains to climb and so many more surprises outside my door. I see now that she really liked that part of me in spite of having seen me struggle financially as a single mother for over 9 years. The truth is I liked it too, the survivor instinct, the never-giving-up attitude, the stiff upper lip English heritage.
If only I had the strength and courage to open that door again. I am not as strong as I used to be, mentally or physically so this will be a challenge indeed. But the first step has been taken, I have made up my mind, no more living in a blur, no more playing it safe, no more giving in nor giving up my dreams.
Even if this means remaining by myself for a good sabbatical year, it will feel better than compromising out of guilt and duty. How can I possibly become my true self otherwise? How can I be an example to my children if I don't live by the principles I have so much striven to teach them? It cannot all boil down to money all the time; I have been the happiest when I have had the least and I can do it again.
So today, I begin by opening a window, my bedroom window and feeling the air in my nostrils.