Saturday, January 2, 2016

resolute, the trip back parts one and two

it's raining....what better time to catch up with my diary. because this is mainly why i blog, to keep a record of my life and my creativity as it unfolds. i love looking back at some of the pages i've posted and remember, much like when my children and i take out the photo boxes and sit next to the fire laughing at photos of when they were little, or reading old letters and cards from my brother. old old letters wrapped or tied up with a ribbon from the days when mail was fun.
life has gone by way too fast. i turn 60 in a couple of weeks. 
and i have have changed, grown, big time! both on the inside and out. for the first time in my life i feel older. by older, i mean i am now thinking of this last stretch of my life the years that remain will too go by fast. i think of my dreams, the ones that went down the pipeline and the ones that came to be and the one or two still remaining: a re visiting of my beloved england and the possibility of a little vintage winged camper to hook to my car for trips up the pacific coast. but i have shed expectations, part of is no more, another mysterious right of passage has unfolded.

the romantic in me prevails though, THAT will never die as you can see, in spite of all the twists and turns of life.

i think about my legacy thinking of my parents', my mother's being her exquisite taste and 5 ***** cooking, my father's his intellect and drive to write all those books. what will mine be? i hope that it will be the values i taught my children and (chuckling) that some of my art will be treasured and not end up in the dust bin. unfortunaletly they have not inherited my love of books but both have become great cooks and unique non-mainstream beings, both artistic and slightly exotic.


mamma bear 

so much has happened this past year. it was the chinese year of the ram and i am a ram. they say to beware of your chinese sign years, to be careful. boy are they right. 
i lost my partner, my home and my country, and i became a bit hard core on the inside. i guess it's what is recauired going forward into becoming a senior.  i now recover my country as i dive into in the throes of packing yet again and bidding farewell to mexico where i chose escape from the scene of the crime. and with my move come resolutions. my energy now will be mostly MINE, as harsh as it sounds. and i state it without an ounce of remorse.

back to california, i miss my family and friends. the quiet solitude of rosarito taught me alot about myself. and i was able to realize the importance of a social network, people above all over things. so i travelled the distance for christmas, found a house and set the wheels in motion. i stayed in topanga with my brother and a few with tatiana where i worked hard to cover the logistics of another move.

i have stopped counting the times i have had to move; being uprooted just about every year or so. starting gardens over  and over, the draining, the expense. 

at martin and andrea's i stopped one morning to watercolor the sightings.
and then back to mexico to pack
and here i am, a week or so later
re-acquainting myself with familiar surroundings, doing it at a slow pace, gently.
i am not rushing anything although i can't wait to get back to painting and sewing.

crossing the border was bittersweet. i love mexico. good thing it is relatively close and i have where to lodge when i return to visit my friends marucha, nancy and víctor. 

had to leave most of my plants behind which hurt. 
my garden is my church so it will once again become a priority in the new house.

and the hutch with it's touches of britain

handmades by some of my favorite brits

and some of my own

i have never been one for new year's resolutions, my resolutions usually pop up randomly throughout the year, sometimes in my head, sometimes by way of lists. but this year is different.
after a year that will go down in my memory as the most challenging of my life, (even more so than when my eldest son died) i have had many enlightening thoughts and reached many conclusions about myself, my life from from this day forward, the people i want in my life, the people i don't want in my life, the importance of stopping to assess, rather than just continuing in a frenzy.
i choose this new year to make some changes.
firstly i have concluded that i have had too much background noise, been over stimulated and wasted way too much time online. therefore, i have closed my facebook page temporarily until i can retrieve all the photographs and important posts. i have also deleted hundreds of people who are mainly looky loos and really don't contribute by way of comments, friendship or support. the same goes for instagram and flickr. i am keeping my tumblr and pinterest accounts solely for inspiration purposes. the main deletion has been unsubscribing from the emails i receive from vendors. in summary, i am turning back the clock to a simpler time. 
secondly: that my future will encompass nature tenfold. it is there that i find my greatest solace.
thirdly: that chile is no longer an option. sad as it is, my native country will not be where i return to retire although i would like to be buried there in el quisco or vichuquen, two places where we holidayed that made me immensely happy. 

and fourth: that i will put this past year to rest with forgiveness towards the person that betrayed me at the last hour with a deathbed altered will and pray that if he is looking down on me from his resting place, he realizes the cruelty and injustice of his behaviour to one who always looked out for his and his family's best interests, often putting herself aside. 

i go forward in gratitude for the gift of strength and common sense, not a self-righteousness but a true thankfulness that i am still standing, still true to myself, still forgiving, still adamant about not letting "the world" or darkness drag me down or letting the bad guys win or bitterness or resentment fill me with "toxic waste" i am here to learn, to choose good over evil, to be an example to those i encounter, to "watch the things i gave my life to, broken and stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools" to walk in grace. 

café gratitude in venice during my december visit
beauty in popotla
am i really home now?


Stephanie Gentry said...

It's true that you never really know what another person is going through; everyone is going through something that we may know nothing about, so it is so very important to always be kind.
I hope, and pray, that you have experienced much kindness through this experience -this journey- of yours. And, that everything that you have given in the way of care and consideration, from before, comes back to you now tenfold.
Many blessing to you, lovely one.

Rebeca Dominguez said...

Querida Connie, qué bueno saber de ti denuevo. estuve muy preocupada por no saber qué te había pasado. Bienvenida a bordo amiga!!!

audrey said...

Constanza, I cannot tell you how happy I was to see this post tonight. I have been checking every now and then, hoping that you would tell us something. I sent you an email on January 1st, hoping you would receive it, but I fear you did not.
I have been SO worried about you. You had been SO quiet and then you disappeared - no facebook account and no blogging. I prayed you were ok, just taking time to be alone to think about your life and what you planned to do in the future.
As I read this post, I see that is exactly what you were doing. Cleansing, refreshing, planning your next move.
I am filled with peace now, knowing you are ok and that you have made some plans for the future. My beautiful friend, I hope that we can remain in contact. You are so special and I would be sad to lose your friendship.
I will not try to contact you again. I will honor your request to be left alone right now with hopes that you will contact me at some point with your new address, and to let me know when you are ready to hear from old friends again.
In case you no longer have it, I will give you my information and hope to hear from you in the future. Constanza, be safe, be well, be creative. Feed your soul. I will pray to Our Lady to keep you safe and happy.
With love,
Audrey Fish Pfeifer
1714 Walden Circle
Salem, VA 24153

bohemiannie! art said...

Constanza…I love your heart and soul. It's that simple.

Anonymous said...

I just found your beautiful blog - I don't remember now how but it's irrelevant I guess. What an incredible woman you are to go through all you have experienced and to come through on the other side ready to begin anew. Your words are so inspiring to me. Thank you for sharing them. I send you warm loving virtual hugs your way xx

Lynn Holland said...

I'm here to wish you a happy 60th birthday and a future filled with peace and love. Love for your new home and love for yourself.
With love from the UK
Lynn xx
Ps I speak of you often with friend and neighbour Julie Waters.
Your inspiring work is a part of my own studio and admired by many Constanza. Thank you for your kindness xx

Rhonda said...

I just found your blog and I must say "you've changed my life". You have my full attention when other blogs are sadly boring. What a breath of reality and truth. Blessings to you.