Wednesday, October 14, 2015

it's been forever it seems since i wrote. i should do it often instead of thinking so much. there is to much to document about this amazing turn of events. if there ever was a time in my life when i was more in motion, dizzyly so, it is this one. to think i've only been a widow a few months and in baja a little over three months and count all the emotions i've been through, how many places and things i've seen makes me wonder how it has all fitted in that short period. 

i have spent an inordinate time with myself, re-discovering myself, re-plotting my map, finding my north. it has been confronting yet interesting. the word that prevails is strength. STRENGTH and more strength. 
so this post is mainly about me. 
how i've coped.
i play with my days, my camera still my tool of choice. i learn to accept the many truths before me, amongst tgem the fact that i too am ageing. 
i laugh, i cry, i scream, i despair, i jump, i dance, i sing, i sit, i stand, i wander, i sleep, i eat, i laugh, i cry, i rage all in succession without even knowing how i just carry on, almost instinctively, like a wounded animal. it's all ok i tell myself, it's not all ok when i have to down two shots of tequila to numb my pain, it will all be ok eventually, it suddenly is ok today, this minute, this moment. and that's all there is to it, breathe in and breathe out and allow this process to take its course.
i pamper myself with a salon treatment, foot massage and full hair conditioning. one act of self love really really helps. i continue this conversation with myself, it's all about self preservation right now. 
looking good, feeling good

and accepting the ugly parts. that's why i have made it a purpose to take many self portraits, from every angle, color, black and white and anything in between. it might seem egocentric and vain to many, look again; it is a journal of self compassion as if i were caring for a sick child or relative. 
it's all about dealing with the cards i was dealt


Silvina {Enlunada} said...

Me alegra enormemente volver a leerte!. Realmente se percibe tu fortaleza!. Ha sido un post muy conmovedor, por lo que cuentas, lo que muestras y como lo muestras. Esa serie de autorretratos es maravillosa. En especial la foto en que se ve un cielo imponente en blanco y negro. Te deseo mucha luz y bendiciones en esta nueva etapa de tu vida!. Dios te bendiga y alivie en tu dolor... . Gran gran abrazo desde el alma...

kathyd said...

i have been thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers.
i still have a hard time wrapping this around my brain.
you are a survivor and a strong woman . take time ...
kathy dorfer

me-ml said...

please keep posting...MORE!
you are inspirational and encouraging to me and i appreciate you sharing your journey.
much love.